by Peter Webb, Integrative Psychologist
Growing up it might have been important to supress your own needs for fear of retaliation or to avoid criticism or to gain love, attention and approval. This leads to the perception that your own desires, opinions, and feelings aren’t valid or important to others. This generally leads to a kind of self-censorship and invariably to a build-up of anger. You try to be meek and mild but underneath you are a boiling volcano. Sometimes this takes the form of self-sacrifice where you deny your own needs to help someone in pain as a way of retaining their – often conditional – love. But you end up frustrating yourself and growing resentful of the other person.
Perfectionism
You developed extraordinary attention to detail, and you set high standards for yourself to win the approval of one or both parents (or to avoid their criticism). This results in feelings of pressure or difficulty slowing down. Good enough is never good enough. You must keep going, even underestimating how good your performance is relative to the norm. You may feel driven by duty, following rules, hiding emotions, and avoiding mistakes. There is usually an undercurrent of pessimism and worry that things could fall apart if you fail to always be vigilant and careful.
Princess
On the other hand, you may have formed the idea that you were special, different, superior to other people; entitled to special rights and privileges; or not bound by the rules of reciprocity that guide normal social interaction. This comes from growing up in an environment of excessive permissiveness, overindulgence, or lack of direction. You might not have been pushed to tolerate normal levels of discomfort, resulting in a lack of sufficient self-control and the frustration tolerance necessary to achieve your personal goals. It might be time to “toughen up princess”.
Schema Therapy is a Cognitive Behaviour approach to identifying the self-defeating behaviours that have been holding you back and finding adaptive ways to meet your core emotional needs.
Contact NIIM for an appointment with Integrative Psychologist, Peter J Webb to learn how to overcome your self-defeating behaviours!
Written by Peter Webb – Integrative Psychologist
Peter Webb is an Integrative Psychologist consulting at NIIM. He draws on a range of successful therapeutic approaches including cognitive behaviour therapy, schema therapy, mindfulness, and neuropsychotherapy. Find out more about how Peter can help you and/or make an appointment to see him HERE.
